The First Day
So, here i am. My first day. After years of education you'd think the sentence would be meaningless, just the first day of a new school year that confirms i am, in fact that one step closer to inevitable adulthood *pause here to laugh about that my impending doom* however, my first day, this time around had a different feel to it. The subject floated around my head with a crippling anxiety following the lead. This first day felt like a confirmation that I am a failure, instead of fresh starts and new beginnings on my mind I'm faced with the reality and consequences of false hope and encouragement from teachers only looking to better themselves who had left me to fall at the feet off alevels. I was stuck, suggestions of me facing another year of alevels with years younger than myself sent chills down my spin (ok, maybe an exaggeration but you get feelings towards it) and in my head visions were constant of Buddy in Elf among all of the smaller people, I thought that if one try and fail at alevels wasn't enough, the thought of me continually trying and failing seemed like pointless, not to mention they would probably have to start CRB'ing me soon enough. The choice was easy when it came down to it, I accepted defeat, took a risk and jumped off the metaphorical cliff that was level 3 media. Figuratively this course represents a lot more to me than a qualification, it's my first risk into the unknown and fuck me if it isnt scary. I want to prove to myself I can be good in a subject that doesn't come out of a textbook, I need to know that the relationships i have sacrificed for this course will be worth it and I also need reassurance that spending my apparent, now none existent life savings on a bus pass to get me to lessons and back was worth not spending the money on lets be honest here, McDonalds or Mac cosmetics.
It's a wasted year my already low self esteem still nags at the back of my mind constantly, I knew I wouldn't be the only person who was re sitting the year, in fact i think it is more likely for a student to fail their alevels than to pass them (but that's another subject, boo government) yet once walking into the room full of mismatched students its a reminder that we all have something in common, we all have a passion and this isnt child's play. This is legit. And I found that comforting. I found myself surrounded by people like myself for the first time ever and it never felt better.
Lola, remember this blog entry when you questioned why you make this choice.
Well, you done pretty good here kiddo. Incidentally if you need to talk we are here and there's a whole student support department.
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